This subject strikes me as particularly controversial, so a preface seems in order. Let me first say, I do not think it is wrong to keep a 1st trimester pregnancy a secret. I do not particularly agree with it, but I also believe in the great mantra “to each her own.” This blog is meant to explore this particularly American phenomenon. As with anything else we adopt simply because “everyone else is,” I think we should think critically about every decision we make. This hiding-the-preggo issue in particular caught my fancy quite simply because it’s not “me,” at all. With that, here goes…
In 2005, my hubby & I eagerly began trying for our 1st little nugget. To our amazement, one month was all it took. On the day I found out I called my mom, my sis, my best friends & a few co-workers. This was of course before I joined facebook, but I’m sure I would have announced it there as well. Within 3 days a miscarriage began. Then I called them all back begging them to pray for the life of my 1st baby. After two days, heavy cramping, bleeding & a hospital ultrasound confirmed the worst I called back my friends to let them know. One of my good friends said, “see, that’s why your not supposed to tell everyone.” Gee, thanks. It was a hurtful thing for me to hear, and -as you can imagine- not particularly helpful. The last thing a woman who has just had a miscarriage wants to hear is anything she’s done wrong. One might conclude I would have been regretful sharing our 1st trimester pregnancy with so many people so early. Nope. I wasn’t in the slightest bit. Perhaps, only a little regretful that I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable with a good friend who was that insensitive.
Over the next few months, my friends were a strong support system for me. I was so glad my family knew. We also shared the miscarriage with others and as the community came around us with love, care -even dinners- we were grateful for people to walk through the hard parts of life with us.
So, why do we keep it a secret? What I’ve heard is, is that you don’t want to have to go back and tell everyone later if youv’e lost the baby. I’ve also heard it can be hard if people come back who don’t know and ask “how’s the baby?” only for you to have to say, “I lost it.” There could be more reasons… write your responses below.
My thought is this: Why wouldn’t we come back later to tell everyone we’ve lost the baby? Is there any other hardship in life we try to keep secret from others? If so, is it appropriate? Is it terrible to tell everyone that you have cancer, battle depression, have a terminable illness? Yes. It is also terrible to tell everyone youv’e lost a child. Are not they all a part of life? Aren’t all of those things horrible to communicate? Should any of them be kept secret at any time? (Again, I’m asking the questions to you).
When any of us (human beings in general) go through anything particularly awful don’t we want the love and support of our community around us? I do think the stakes are higher on this matter for Christian woman. It doesn’t strike me as particularly biblical an idea to keep a potentially painful idea from the Christian community who values you. I could see if maybe there was some sort of passage which reflects this thinking, but I just don’t see it. I see the keeping secret our 1st trimester pregnancies as a purely cultural construct.
With that, I’m 7 weeks pregnant. I must admit, I was slightly tempted to incorporate this cultural phenom into my thinking. I was -and still am- praying to God that I won’t lose this precious little ‘lentil bean.’ (the size of my sweet little one right now). However, I, Grace Biskie, have no ability to keep secrets. Within 5 minutes I emailed school friends, called best friends & of course told Dave. Within two weeks I realized I had told about 75 people with my own mouth even though I’d planned to keep it from facebook & my blog until at least week 10. Though the sharing of sensitive information does spread a lot faster, again is it any reason to hide from reality that life is hard and crappy things happen? (Again, wondering what you think here).
So, what now? What I do lose the baby? Will I regret sharing it on facebook and my blog and with all my IV co-workers and all my new school friends and all my family & friends? Nope. I won’t. I do know myself, and I know that I will greatly appreciate your calls, hugs, love & support in the event of ANY tradgedy that would befall me & my family. But you also have to know yourself. If your the type of woman who would feel absolutely anxiety filled to have share with everyone that youv’e miscarried, then by all means keep it a secret.
But, ladies, let’s never do anything “just because,” let’s think through what our culture tells us & know exactly why we are or aren’t doing or saying something.
Hmmmm…I think it’s a very personal thing Grace. I apprecaite that you said in the begining that you are “exploring” the issue and that you do not believe it’s wrong to keep these things private. It seems though that you draw a line when saying “It doesn’t strike me as particularly biblical an idea to keep a potentially painful idea from the Christian community who values you. I could see if maybe there was some sort of passage which reflects this thinking, but I just don’t see it.” My reaction to that is that my idea of who i would tell in that Christian community is very different from yours. I have a wonderful handful of very close Godly people in my life who I would tell if I became pregnent. I would attempt to wait until I knew the baby was safe before announcing it to everyone. I say “attempt” because who knows how I would react if I really found out I was preggers. In your job/community you are often surrounded by Christians. It isn’t like that for me at all. In fact, I would say most of the Christian community I am close with works in secular jobs. In my opinion, it’s just a difference in who you and I are…nothing to do with whether it is a particularly biblical or not. I’m interested to see what others think…
a hearty congratulations! another october baby, yes?
i have been thinking of the same questions lately. but i have to consider the added perspective of my dear children, who took our recent lost so very hard. my six-year-old cried every day for a week. as much as the miscarriage at almost 12 weeks devastated me, the pain it caused my daughter was even worse.
one on hand, i don’t think we would keep another miscarriage a secret. that is, if i were to get pregnant and not tell anyone about it, then lose the baby, am i willing to keep the miscarriage a secret, too? because isn’t that the point – you keep it a secret so that a miscarriage will be a secret as well? and i have to say that i can’t imagine that. the support we received post-miscarriage was (and is) so integral to our survival of this difficult time that even if we hadn’t told anyone of the pregnancy, we would certainly share the sorrow of the miscarriage, for prayer and support. which leads me to believe that we might as well share the joy of the pregnancy early on, as well, so folks can rejoice in our happiness.
on the other hand, i have to consider the hearts of my three already-born children. could i keep a whole pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage a secret, to spare my older children? absolutely. when i think about the heartbreak that the miscarriage caused my whole family, and the devastation it caused my six-year-old, i think i’d do anything to spare her that again. and yet, would that be honest? to hide something so important from her? could i even get away with it, with the extreme sadness i’d be experiencing, not to mention the toll it would take on my body (and my need to rest)? i think helping our children to deal with these difficult issues of life and death are a huge part of our parenting job, so it’s not that i want to shy away from it. it’s just a very difficult decision to make.
i believe a life is a life from conception, so we’ve always shared our pregnancies early on. we always said, “even if we were to have a miscarriage, we’d want everyone to know, so they could pray for us and support us.” and then i had a miscarriage, and i realized that the issues are more complex. we will have to answer these questions if God blesses us with another pregnancy, and until then, i pray for clarity and wisdom. and for protection of my childrens’ hearts!
I too think it is an individual thing. I certainly would want those close to me to know so they could pray for me, the baby and the rest of the family and share in our joy that everything is going well or in our sorrow if it isn’t. I’ve never lost a child so I can’t imagine how sad it would be. If someone doesn’t know you’re pregnant, then who is there to give the hugs and the support to the family.
We were so happy when David told us soon after he found out and is an honor to be on your prayer team!
Serina said: “one on hand, i don’t think we would keep another miscarriage a secret. that is, if i were to get pregnant and not tell anyone about it, then lose the baby, am i willing to keep the miscarriage a secret, too? because isn’t that the point – you keep it a secret so that a miscarriage will be a secret as well?”
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Exactly my thoughts/problem with the whole keeping it a secret thing. I should be careful using the word “problem” as I don’t mean I have big issues with women who keep their pregnancies a secret…but I don’t understand it either. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, but as Serina said, why or even HOW could I keep it a secret? A friend of mine who struggled through 5 years of infertility recently was blessed with her first pregnancy, at now 30 weeks prego she and babe are doing great…but I knew she was prego from the moment it happened (I was giving her the shots she needed so I was kept in the loop) but they kept it secret from the rest of our church (although I believe the Pastor was aware). I had a hard time with that…they had prayed and fought so long for this baby…why not surround mama and babe in as much prayer as possible? It isn’t that I thought their choice was BAD, more that I didn’t get it.
Perhaps if I experience a miscarriage I’ll have a different perspective and I certainly don’t mean to be judging anyone…I guess I just agree with you Grace, that we, as Christian women, need to be thoughtful about these things and not just go along with the cultural norm. Honestly, as a pediatric nurse I can say with some authority here, even if you DO wait for the magical 12 week mark there are NO guarantees…I have seen some very tragic things. The more prayer and support a family has the better…right?
Congrats, by the way, very happy for you all
I was shocked when I saw the earlier twitter announcement!!! Congratulations! I’m so glad that you are telling people!
Hmmm..
Well, first let me say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Yay!!!!
I like reading others’ thoughts on this topic. I’m kind of with Jen though, in that it’s an individual choice, and we all have our own reasons. Work is one that nobody’s mentioned yet. I was HAPPY to tell all of our friends and family when I got pregnant this last time, but I had to be very careful about telling my boss and others at work for a short while, because things were very unstable at my work, and I was up for a promotion that would have insured job security (which I desperately needed at the time – my husband was on the verge of being laid off at his work). I went through a miscarriage once too, and although I was glad to share the joy and the sadness with people who cared for us deeply, I do remember quite well it getting awkward a few times with people who I wasn’t close to who were asking me very intimate details when I was quite upset. I can see why others would choose to keep it to themselves for a short while – and I don’t think that reflects on their faith at all. I think it’s a choice that two people have in a marriage, and we should just trust that when people are ready, they share what they want.
This seems like one of those situations that is so difficult to decide upon hypothetically. For women who have experienced miscarriages, (which btw ladies, thanks for being vulnerable I’m sad for your losses) this seems to be like one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. Gracee, I think the insensitive comment your friend made after your miscarriage is one of the reasons people do keep it a secret- we don’t want to get slapped in the face with an “I told you so!” in the midst of what must be tremendously painful already. Someone else commented on the stigma attached with miscarriages on your FB post- I think this is true. Some people sadly seem to have an assumption that somehow it’s the fault of the mother. I agree with you that it is hard to keep it a secret once you learn you’re pregnant & that spreading the joy feels right. I think this is one of those situations that is a place to trust Jesus- with the community that rejoices and grieves with you, with discernment about whom to tell early on, with “little lentil” and with your body that’s carrying little one.