As I mentioned a little while ago, my hubby & I are more in the valleys than the mountain tops of the marriage journey, which has me thinking a lot about the idea of divorce. It’s not an option for us, so everyone calm yourself. 
Last weekend when I went into the hospital with contractions I found myself laying there with intense stomach pain, freezing, heart racing out of my chest and shaking uncontrollably from the meds I’d been given to keep me from going into premature labor. The nurse needing to check the softness of my cervix stuck her hand and arm so far up my vajay-jay she could feel the baby’s fingertips. Excruciating! I was in misery. And all I could think about was: death. Would I ever see Ransom again? Would I survive this night, Jesus, please let me live!
So, that’s what I’m talking about here. The frailty of my marriage leaves me feeling vulnerable to divorce though we are not getting one, just like I wasn’t on death’s door last weekend. And though my marriage isn’t on death’s door either, I can’t help but think about those whose marriages haven’t worked out after all.
In my shameful consumption of celebrity garbage I’ve noticed how hard folks are on the divorcing couple, Jon & Kate Gosselin. People either hate her or despise him. They are the couple everyone loves to hate right now.
But, honestly people, Jon & Kate represent more than 50% of our Nation. They are just your average couple going through a divorce. (Except of course that whole 8 kids, reality stars thing).
Does it totally suck that there’s pics or knowledge of Jon moving on romantically? Yeah, it does. But sheesh, how many of you wouldn’t move on 5.5 seconds after a divorce? Give them a break, people.
It’s not just Jon & Kate, it’s all the divorcee’s I’m concerned about. This past year as I attended Western Theological Seminary and interacted with the Reformed Church of America denomination in which I’m set to be ordained in, I took on a whole new way of thinking about divorce.
Mainly, that we should love, love, love, love, love and care for those who have been through something pretty disastrous. In fact, the RCA deals with divorce in such a loving, forgiving refreshing way I felt nearly scandalized by it.
As someone who follows Jesus, I’ve been really disillusioned with how Christians treat divorced people. Basically, like crap. There seems to be a sense that since “God hates divorce,” God must also hate divorcee’s based on the shameful ways divorcee’s are treated.
The thing is we so often take those words out of context from this passage in Malachi 2. In the passage, God is speaking primarily to men, Israelite men who at the time were leaving their wives, taking their children with them and going off to marry foreign wives who served foreign gods leaving their God-fearing Israelite women barren, child-less, homeless and in complete physical & emotional poverty for the rest of their days. This is what God hates: when people treat other people like shit.
In that day, in those circumstances, divorce didn’t just mean a separation of a family, it produced suffering and wailing beyond what is imaginable. How about you imagine your husband leaving you for a rich woman in another country, taking every dime, your home and kidnapping your children and you knew with 100% certainty you would never see again? God HATES it. He HATED what divorce meant for those women in particular.
And I’m not just swearing to make a good point here. Earlier in the book of Malachi, when God is speaking to the Priests –the leaders of that community- about all the awful stuff they are allowing to go on amongst these people, he basically says that he’s going to spread shit all over their faces and parade them through town the way they carry the crap out of town when it was time to make an animal sacrifice.
When God uses strong language, it’s typically because he feels so strongly about it. And our loving and compassionate God simply hates that those women were going through that.
We must think about that passage when we start throwing the “God hates divorce” language around. The language lends us to believing divorcee’s themselves are to be hated. It sounds rough, but I’ve seen how their treated. So be crystal clear with yourself that God hates what divorce does to people –not the people themselves! And for heaven’s sake please don’t use the Malachi passage to support your ideas on divorce. It’s simply poor use of Scripture.
I would actually argue that God does not hate divorce, per se. I would argue God is not only deeply saddened by the consequences of divorce, in any culture or people group, but he hates how Christians treat divorced people.
Case in point…
For 3 years I was a part of an International Bible study for women who still hold as a guiding rule that a woman who has been divorced cannot at any time become a leader on any level of the organization.
What the sam smack, people? What the sam smack? This is a hot mess. A hot, hot, hot mess. I’m not hating on BSF, they have a great ministry but their stance on divorcee’s is nothing short of oppressive on the same level as racism, in my opinion.
Is not the God that Jesus-followers follow the God of forgiveness? The God of 7, 77 & 7,000 chances? I think God is wholly displeased when those of us who follow Jesus hold divorcee’s in judgement as if they have committed the worst sin in the entire world.
My conclusion: I’m trying to turn a new leaf both in my thoughts about divorce, my treatment of divorcees and the role of love and forgiveness while my marriage is particularly messy right now (so as to prevent divorce).
I’m deeply sorry to those of you who have experienced the trauma of divorce. I really am. I can only imagine from this side of the fence what you went (or are currently) going through.
Jesus once famously said, “let he who is without sin, cast the first stone,” at a woman whom the “religious” people wanted to condemn for her adultery. And since Jesus, who actually was without sin, didn’t throw that stone at her… neither do I.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Good stuff, Grace. Thanks for writing about this.
Love this! Especially because you are so right in the fact that the large majority of people within the church miss the point that it is our DUTY to LOVE on these women and nothing less than that!
I agree with everything you say! While I am gaining a lot from BSF teaching, I do not agree with their stand on divorce. That goes for any person or church that uses a previous divorce as the reason a person can’t serve/participate. If we confess to Jesus any part we may have had in the marriage failure and change behaviors if necessary, He will forgive, and we should too.
Oh, now I see what you were trying to post a link to. So I am sad… is your blog ONLY for “gals”? I feel so excluded
Good post. See ya in a couple of weeks
I think that God hates divorce because it is the “tearing assunder (apart) what He has joined together” and yes, with that tearing apart, comes a whole lot of pain for all involved. I don’t think God hating the sin of divorce means at all that He hates the sinner “divorcee”. Going through my divorce was the time I learned the most about God’s grace that I’d know up to that point in my life. I do think that we as believers are quick to judge forgetting that there are some cases where the divorcee is free from the marriage bond. In cases where the spouse committed adulty, or where there was an unsaved spouse who no longer wanted to be in the marriage. Are those cases to be held with the same consequences as one who willing goes against God’s will concerning divorce? I do believe there is a difference. That being said, God loves every sinner, even the divored sinner! I am a divorcee and I struggle with answers too. That being said, I don’t believe that if God says there are somethings that would prevent you from being a leader that that means He doesn’t love me or that there is not a place of service for me in the body. He has given gifts to all believers and His word says that He will make room for the gift(s). I continue to study God’s word seeking His perfect will as a divorcee
I THIK HATE OR THE GOD OF HATE IZ A BAD SEARCH TEEGOD OF WAR IS THE SOLUTION AMON!!!
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WOW! i do not know you, but let me tell you something this has truly touched my heart, i thank, thank, thank you so very much. i have been married 10 1/2yrs & most of that time it has been downs & not ups & i have been struggling with myself about what to do, because most of all i fear displeasing God & your kind words have helped to take a new perspective on this sore subject.
this is a great topic! now i’m getting a divorce asap.
really though, i sometimes think, what if god’s plan for someone to learn lessons from or go through certain trials from a marriage and divorce to get them to be a better person? how do we know something past the divorce is not the right path rather than staying in something unhealthy? ahh, if only we could get a few sit downs with god throughout our lives.
Stumbled upon this by accident, but I like your thought process and message. I’m going through my second divorce and trust me, I beat myself up enough about it… Other people’s commentary and judgement is simply not needed. Your words made me feel a bit better during a time where it’s easy to feel down.
Pam,
Glad you stumbled upon it. Sorry to hear about your divorce. It’s a terrible thing. I’m sorry too, on behalf of those who have beat you up about it. Your right, it is just not necessary! Glad my words could help and heal even in small ways.
God bless you…
-grace