I’m angry.
~Maybe still angry about the black girl hair issues I posted about a few days ago.
~Angry at random people who said a dress Halle Berry wore on the red carpet was “too young for her.”
~Angry at my husband for trying to help me with something, but not wanting to do it my way.
~Angry at Ransom for being loud, rambunctious & hard to get p.j.’s on.
~Angry at Dr. Sears. Why? I don’t know. I think his “crime” is promoting infant demand-feeding & co-sleeping.
~Angry at Mr. Shue’s wife on the T.V. show Glee –that woman is a shrew! A shrew! I hate her!
~Angry at Christians for all of our various problems. The latest being the debate over whether or not Christians should listen to Jay-Z for reasons I honestly can’t comprehend or thoughtfully engage at the moment. Good grief.
~Angry at how hard and painful it is at night to get up to use the bathroom or flip over.
The point is, I’ve been unable to process anger in a healthy manner. It’s been totally irrational & out of control.
*sigh*
I decided to take a 30 minute walk today to get labor going. The sun was shining, the cold crisp Fall air actually felt nice, the multitude of color in the surrounding trees was beautiful and I enjoyed hearing Ransom’s presence as he rambled on about leaves and Halloween decorations.
But when we got home… nothing. Actually the contractions I was having, went away! 
I spent most of the day hoping we’d be in the hospital tonight. (Yep, like right now). In my finite understand of my reality it seems like a good time being the weekend & all with a visit from my mother’n'law tomorrow morning to help with Ransom.
I told Dave that even if he wanted to take me out on an extravagant shopping spree that -if I could- I would still choose to head to the hospital and get this whole labor ordeal over with.
And I finally realized why -at least in part- I am so frequently angry in the past 5-6 days:
I have no control.
Zilch.
At dinner tonight I realized that I am someone who at least allows myself to believe I have some modicum of control in most situations in my life. Yes, you read that correctly –even if I don’t have control, I lie to myself.
I guess that makes me a bit of a control freak. (Kind of like this guy, huh?)
For some reason this whole not-being-able-to-control-when-I-go-into-labor problem is reminding me -not so freaking gently might I add- that not only do I have no control of when my body starts the labor process, but also that I cannot lie to myself about it. It’s just NOT up to me.
And because I’m super uncomfortable and tired and crabby & impatient to meet my new son and begin my maternity leave, the fact that I cannot control this makes me feel… well, to be honest, it makes me feel completely pissed off.
I am an irrational woman at the moment. And so tonight instead of blogging about other meaningful things from my “to blog, to-do” list I resisted, lest I spout off another unprovoked angry-at-the-world post.
Baby steps. Baby steps. And one day we’ll all laugh about this, right?
Right. 
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Gab on!
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Grace,
I totally understand…I have been RIGHT where you are. Only, for me it lasted an extra 2 weeks!
…actually, I had to laugh at your comment about Dave helping you, but not the way you want him to…I got mad at Brian for that very same reason multiple times.
I am still sending labor vibes your way…I am excited for you!
I was going to make some snide comment, taking something that you said out of context like…
“I am an irrational woman”
…and say something like “I’ve known that about you since I’ve known you…”
…but that would be mean and totally inappropriate. So go on and me angry and out of control. Friends like me and Leslie and Arthur will pray for you all.
Erin, your my hero — you waited 2 weeks — I am sooo impressed!
Phil, you must admit that I am only an irrational woman 10% of the time normally & then 100% of the time in these final days of pregnancy. Can I get an Amen on that?
Thanks for your prayers, bro.
…ask Brian…it wasn’t that impressive…the most miserable 2 weeks for the both of us…if I was gonna suffer, so was he…lol
Completely understand Grace… and yes it probably will be a bit humorous one of these days. I was laughing at myself and the way I thought my life was going to end over 3 extra days with Judah. I was pretty out of control miserable… and I wallowed… wow did I ever wallow in it! Crying, sobbing, yelling and deciding I was going to eat anything and everything I wanted, even if it meant gaining another 10 pounds before I had the little guy. I think I’m still working on that extra 10 pounds I gained ):
Hang in there… one of those walks will work… when your body is ready for it… Thinking and praying for you two.
Rachel
Grace,
I COMPLETELY understand. 2009 has been a year of waiting for us.
(Jan-late April) When will you know if you are staying or leaving? We don’t know.
(Jan-late April) When will you hear for sure from the schools Jeff applied to? We don’t know.
(end of April, early May) Wondering, when will Jesse come out? I don’t know.
(May-August) When will you move? I don’t know.
(June-August) Where will you live? I don’t know
(August-October) When will you close on your house? I don’t know.
When will I just give up and learn that God is trying to teach me patience in the midst of not having control? I get angry too.
Lisa, I should totally think of your year every time i feel bad for myself, you guys have been taught a GIANT lesson in patience this year, in the likes of what I haven’t seen in a while.
I was just reading your blog the other about Bank of America giving yall the run around & feeling so bad for you guys again! But then knowing you guys are trying to just trust God in the midst of all the waiting & unknowns. It’s just so hard to be right in the middle of it, isn’t it? I do feel significantly better than the day I wrote this. I’m trying to practice an “attitude of gratitude” that I just read about in a REaders Digest article. ahahaha 