Jessica Fick
Guest post from: The Sidewalk Theologian
Parents- are you ever terrified when you realize that your kids are picking up your bad habits? Or conversely that you have enough good habits that they’ll learn what’s important to you and emulate these good habits? The other day I trotted down the stairs & Reuben looked at me in our foyer with a big grin on his face and yelled “SHUT UP!” This was so disturbing! Right away I told him “no, we don’t say shut up!” and gave him a time out. I didn’t know that this phrase was going to be one we encourage him not to use, but hearing him yell it sounded so wrong and awful.I should say that Dave and I don’t go around yelling “SHUT UP!” at one another, we’ll say it as in “are you serious? you must be joking” but we never yell it in anger.
We were also grocery shopping this week at Aldi and Meijer and as I was pushing him in the cart to find some crackers, he looked at the people passing us and yelled “get out the way!”
Ahhh the joys of public humiliation while shopping with a toddler…..Of course they laughed, but I was appalled at his rudeness towards strangers! Where is this coming from? Is this just toddler stuff? I explained that when we want someone to move we say “excuse me” or “please move out of my way” which he understood and then proceeded to say that to EVERYONE we passed in the aisles of Meijer. Thankfully I don’t think they noticed what he was saying.
It is so scary to think about how the daily choices that we make or don’t make shape how our children interact with the world. I constantly have to remind myself not to pick up my iPhone and scroll through email or facebook while Reuben is taking FOREVER to finish dinner. I don’t want him to think that dinner is a place where you finish your food and then multi-task while other people finish theirs. I want our dinner table to be a place of conversation, reflection on our days, and enjoyment of a meal together. I don’t always succeed at putting down my phone and Reuben has sometimes scolded me saying “stop, mama, stop!”
On the positive side, he sees that exercise is a normal part of our lives and even will ask when I come back from a run, “have a good run mama?” Or if we put him in the jogger stroller on a warm day for a run, he’ll get excited and say “it’s time for exercise!” and will encourage us to keep going if we stop “run dada, run! keep going!” It is so cute, and motivating!
Notice toddler legs on right. Sometimes he’s more tired than me after a run. Then again he isn’t pushing a 30 lb. toddler in a jogger stroller.While I do want him to know that exercise, eating vegetables we pick from a farm and being hospitable are things we value, it’s also scary to think about how to best help him value scripture, prayer and meeting with Jesus in the capacities he’s able. I never want faith to be something he feels like is forced upon him, yet I want it to be a value in his life. This is a hard one isn’t it! I read a great book when Reuben was first born called “Never Mind the Joneses; building core Christian values that fit your family.
Great book by Tim Stafford!I liked it because it was an encouragement to figure out what fits your family rather than saying “you have to teach your kids to value faith and make it look this way.” There were a ton of great ideas about how to help kids see faith in action through service and hospitality, to reflect on God’s presence through experiencing nature, to pray for and practice compassion for others. I highly recommend it for people who have kids and want to help them understand all the many ways that Christian faith can look! Parents, what are ways you deal with rudeness? What are ways you’re helping your kids to value faith and other things in you’re life that you want them to learn?
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
You put your son in ‘time out’?! Like THAT’S going to help offset any future misbehaving… Not at all.
Andra, I personally don’t use time-outs, but I do advocate for whatever CONSISTENT discipline parents choose to use. And I know a number of parents whose children hate time-outs enough to change their behavior.
Years ago when I babysat for a couple of kids the little girl hated standing in the corner & it did change her behavior while the little boy thought corner standing was a joke –I had to come up with a new form of discipline for him which ironically enough ended up being him sitting isolated on his bed which he hated.
Dave & I give Ransom spankings occasionally & rarely but we also send him to his room when he’s having an emotional outbreak which I cannot tolerate on any level.
The point is, different things work for different children and if time-outs work for Jessica & her son, Rueben, neither I or you -especially since you don’t have children of your own- should be judgemental of that. There is no one right way to parenting.
I know you didn’t say this, but there are so many people out there who advocate for essentially beating the hell out of their kids as if THAT in and of itself helps offset future misbehaving.
Parenting is tough work & it’s so hard to figure out what the best thing to do is. It’s harder still when others are hard on good moms who are trying to do a GREAT job & honor the Lord with their parenting.
So for all you non-time-out-givers… let’s all give Jessica a break.
I think the point was missed by Andra.
Kenny and I talk about what we are modeling all the time now and our baby is 5 weeks old. I would hate to have her saying the curse words I occasionally use (YES I DO SWEAR) Lol. I would also die if she picked up some of our sterotypes that we admitteldy have toward certain groups of people (That is a work in progress). I would cherish the day she demonstrates the service and hospitality we show in our household. We even wonder how we will encourgae the development of Christian values in her without “forcing”. I want her to be a praying faithfilled child who cares for others. The biggest thing right now for us is checking the “bads habits” now and demonstrating the “good habits” if front of her. (Especially hugging and kissing each other because affection showing was NOT a huge part of my family but I want that for her).
Grace,
I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Although, I do not have children – I am approaching the age when I’m beginning to think about what type of marriage I want and household in which I would like to raise my children – it’s very interesting to me to understand the reasoning of how people rear their children. Thank you for your polite reasoning.
Patrice,
I didn’t miss the point of what Jessica was saying in the article at all. I wrote exactly what I was thinking; b/c that was the reaction I had from her blog.
Well, I love what Jessica has to say, and as a parent of a toddler myself, I have to say that time-outs work for us quite well (so far!). We have a pretty good mannered two and a half year old, who rarely acts out, and we are always trying hard to reward the good behavior, but when the bad behavior happens, there must be some sort of action. You can’t just pretent it’s not happening. I do like the idea of ignoring temper tantrums, and I LOVED the book “Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours”, which suggests making the discipline fit the crime, so don’t over-use time outs. But you have to do what works for your children, and I wholeheartedly agree with Grace, in that what works for one kid may not work for the next. Time outs work well for our kid as far as ‘offsetting any future misbehavings’. My boss had an interesting approach with his kids – he said they over-used the time outs when his daughter was two, but now that she’s 5 yrs old, it only takes a look from daddy to straighten the behavior out and I can totally appreciate that. He is a very loving father, but parents have to set boundaries, and however each parent chooses those boundaries are THE PARENT’S CHOICE. I too think we should support each other in these difficult parenting choices – it’s HARD, and I love seeing parents work hard at it instead of just sitting by and letting the kids run the show.
Great blog, Jess!
Thanks for all your feedback ladies. It’s a good reminder to pray for all the Mama’s out there. We need it!
Fo reals! Let’s keep praying for one another. April- the book you suggested sounds great! Any other books that have been helpful with toddlers? Reuben has now entered the whiny stage, which is so unnerving!
Jess – That book I mentioned really is GREAT. We LOVED it. And my hubby works at a local publishing company and has met the author a few times and things he’s an AMAZING guy, so that always helps. He has written a few books on parenting and I’ve heard the others are good too. This, as with any book though, you take what you want from it – I loved it, but did recommend it to a friend, and have since heard back from her that she didn’t love it so much and decided not to go those routes with discipline that he suggests. So, each parent can take what they want… I really did think there were some great words of wisdom there though from a guy that has like 7 children, so hopefully you’ll like it too!
April, okay I’ll read my copy. Someone got for us a shower gift & I’ve yet to crack it open… but I just noticed it on the shelf the other day… maybe it’s a sign.
I am feeling the crunch with Ransom as well. He’s… wow…he’s getting to be a real handful.