Nothing like a peacefully sleeping kiddo!
The other day I twittered this, “I’m creating a demand-fed-co-sleeping-sling-wearing-rocked-to-sleep-baby monster. Arrrghgh, I need a system QUICK! Babywise take me away…” & got plenty of comments arguing both sides via facebook. It’s such an interesting debate because I think a lot of it boils down to the disposition and phase-of-life of the primary caretaker.
Little Reesey-Bear will be 7 weeks on Monday. He was doing great with eating every 3 hours, 24 hours a day with the exception of the days he’s had really bad gas –which is at least 1/2 of his young life. When he has gas in the middle of the night I’ve allowed him to nurse himself to sleep. In the last week, however, he’s greatly taken advantage of my kindness by waking up every hour or so wanting to nurse. Acting like a wild ravenous animal if he can’t –though I know he’s not hungry. I’ve become his human pacifier.
That’s what pushed me over my limit. I am NOT a human pacifier.
Besides keeping me up all night nursing he was wanting me to rock him to sleep or be carried for at least half of all his naptimes. And in addition to all that, he would wake up with gas half way through a nap and want me to start the whole process all over again.
He must have me confused with somebody else’s Mama.
And then there’s the incessant crying of an underslept infant. And how am I supposed to know when he’s giving a hunger cry or a pain cry or a bored cry if every time he cries I stuff a boob in his mouth? At that point, does a baby just give up say “oh screw it, every time I cry I’m going to be fed anyway, why not cry the same all the time?” But my bigger issue with never letting a baby cry is that I stink.
Yep, stink. As Dave says, I’ve been such a slave to Rhys’ crying lately that I’ve not made time to do simple things like make myself lunch or take a shower. There is no time for anything when I’m so concerned that Rhys is always happy.
I cannot live this way. Furthermore, I will not live this way. Before I had him I read Secrets of the Baby Whisperer & have been trying to incorporate her basic principles of not using sleep props, keeping baby awake after feeding, and putting baby to sleep when he is still awake. Though I love a lot of what she says, the problem is that she’s not specific enough with how to teach baby to sleep through the night on his own and he’s only getting worse.
From some of the feedback I got from facebook -and have always gotten whenever this topic comes up- it seems those who are proponents of demand feeding can’t tell me how to keep myself sane. Forget the baby, what about me? If I’m losing my eva-lovin’ mind how can I be a good Mama?
Here’s what makes me lose my eva-lovin’ mind:
-When I can’t get a good night sleep.
-When I have a child nursing all times of night that I know is capable of eating every 3 hours.
-A baby that is dependent on me to fall asleep, especially 5-6 times a day.
-A baby I can’t ever leave because only I know how to put him to sleep.
-A baby who starts screaming and demands to be fed or is only comforted by breast feeding.
-When I can’t be alone.
-a baby who can’t be happy being held without being breastfed.
Thankfully, Rhys is not that baby, but, hello, isn’t he on his way if I keep up this madness?
I hope I’m not coming off as judgmental to those who choose to demand feed & rock their kids to sleep. On the contrary, I think you are brave & self sacrificial because I am not willing to. It takes a lot of time & energy to live that way, and people I just don’t have it in me.
Not only that, but I am a working, traveling mother.
~What happens when Rhys is at daycare? I can’t expect that he’ll be rocked and coddled to sleep at every nap. That’s just rude.
~What happens when Dave & I want a date? Am I to expect that a babysitter will go through 5 steps to ensure he gets to sleep?
~And what about Ransom & Dave? I think it’s sort of mean not to also help them to get a good night of sleep because Rhys hasn’t learned to be quiet in the middle of the night.
I finally picked up and started reading Babywise so that I can help little Reeserton to start sleeping through the night somewhere between 9 – 12 weeks old. I also want to keep breastfeeding for as long as possible. There’s no way I can keep up this madness and continue to nurse.
The Babywise system worked great for Ransom. By 8 weeks old he gave up one of his two middle of the night feedings and by 11 weeks he gave up all middle of the night feedings. By 16 weeks he slept 11-12 continuous hours. Ransom could have been the poster child for the Babywise system, he was the happiest, most complient, perfect little well-slept specimen I’d ever seen.
And Ransom has had no problems what-so-ever sleeping through the night for all 4 years anywhere at any time, and believe me, we have dragged him all over the country on InterVarsity trips. (As an aside we also had great success using Ezzo’s Pottywise potty training system. Ransom was completely daytime potty trained in 4 days & never had accidents. Maybe twice in over a year). I digress.
The BIG problem with parent directed feeding & sleep methods is: starting it. I’ve been dragging my feet because it requires hearing your child belt it out with the intensity & volume of a professional opera singer.
For some reason it was easier to do with Ransom. But with Rhys I absolutely hate hearing him cry! I abhor it! He’s my baby, my precious little baby of the family. And arguably, I am just more tired & have less emotional reserves let alone resolve.
Dave & I had a good long talk about it & we know we have to do this. We must. We’d even go so far as to say for the sake of our marriage Rhys has to learn these things. Honestly, Dave & I all ready have an erratic schedule, weird job with lots of travel, working weekends and differing working schedules. We cannot have one more unpredictable factor in our life. Lest we bite each others head off for buttering our toast the wrong way.
Demand feeding a baby also feels precarious because that stay unpredictable for an unpredictable amount of time. For up to 9 months or longer no one in the house knows when the baby will eat or sleep. It takes seriously special & patient people to live like this.
However, what do I know? I’ve never demand fed a baby with the exception of these last two weeks with Rhys of which has made me angry & frustrated. I’m wondering if any out there who had demand fed has had a different experience with it? All I see is doom & gloom.
I’m especially interested in hearing from the non-SAHM (stay at home mom’s) who have lived by demand feeding principles.
Anyway, even though life will be harder for a few days I’m weaning myself off of my passive parenting.
Here’s specifically what is going to make Rhys’ & I miserable for the next 3-5 days:
~We are going to take away his pacifier as a sleep prop. When it falls out, it’s out, no more popping it back in.
~He will be forced to take a FULL feeding at every feed, no more snacking. (He’s a lazy eater & loves to sleep on the job).
~He must stay awake after every feeding.
~He will be put down for a nap 1 to 1 1/2 hrs. before the next feed time. We decide when nap starts and when nap ends, not him. Lots of crying will ensue.
~Biggest of all, we will not pick him up after he’s down for a nap or night time. When he cries, we wait for 15 minutes & if he’s not asleep yet we comfort him for one minute & then leave again. This will be hardest for me in the middle of the night, but I’m hoping this will only take 2-3 nights before he “gets it.”
The point of all this is so that we -as his parents- will establish healthy eating and sleeping routines in his body and mind that are both structured & predictable for all of us. All of that will lead to continuous nighttime sleeping, a happier & more secure baby and a more peaceful household.
I’m telling you that a baby who knows how to self-soothe and sleep consistently through the night & take full naps is a very secure and happy baby with emotional & physical needs met. (Often I hear Babywise haters saying how “cruel” his program is). A little crying never hurt anybody, jeez.
So, today with Dave’s help we are taking the Babywise PLUNGE! Poor little Rhys has cried more today than his whole little life, but I know it’s so very temporary. It took Ransom 3 days anytime we tried to train or retrain him in any of these areas after sicknesses or time changes. The pay off is BEAUTIFUL.
I probably had about 65 people comment to me about how happy Ransom was, how good he slept, etc. etc. and you know what? I was very happy. Dave & I were well slept as well.
This is what I’m working toward with Reesey-Bear. A baby who doesn’t think food is his primary source of comfort & for-all-thats-good-in-the-world doesn’t think the world revolves around him when he starts crying. There’s little else that annoys me about kids as much as when they are demanding, how much more I hate to see it in babies. How can something less than 35 pounds be demanding of me?
Puh-lease.
Today is day #1. Tonight is night #1. I have a feeling I am going to be very tired after tonight’s cry fest.
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Wow, Grace, there are few things more ferociously debated than babywise vs. attachment parenting! I have a feeling this will bring LOTS of comments.
I have actually done a mixture of this with all of my kids. I believe that systems are not necessarily what make a baby happy or healthy. I believe every baby, parent, and situation are so different, that you cannot possibly use the same solution for every child.
This time around with Judah I used the attachment parenting model for a long time. For some reason I just couldn’t stand hearing him cry and it was much easier to just pull him out of bed and nurse than listen to him cry and feel guilty about this. You would think that I would get more hard-nosed the more children I had… exactly the opposite for me. I wouldn’t change how I did it any this time or any other time, however, Judah did become a wake up 2-3 times a night baby that was still waking up all the time at 5.5 months… and he was sleeping with us half the night.
Eventually I decided that my quality of life was not very good anymore, much less my parenting ability. So we took the plunge, listened to crying (that actually only lasted a couple of days) and finally started sleeping better. It was so easy, and he fell into a schedule so quickly I almost felt like he was saying “It’s about time momma, why didn’t you try this earlier?”
I know my attachment feeding friends would be disappointed and my babywise friends didn’t understand my hesitation. It’s a good thing I really don’t have to run everything by them, huh? It sounds like you and Dave are making the right decision and that little Rhys needs some kind of change anyway. He doesn’t sound like a super content baby, and there’s a good chance part of his gas issue is that he is always eating…. I hope this weekend goes well and that he adjusts quickly. Good luck!
I’ll be praying for patience and strength for you tonight. I’ve done it and it only took a few days/nights and it got better each night. Keep us updated!
I have a lot I could say, but won’t.
Crying bothers us for a reason. I’m not saying it’s never okay to let baby cry, but I would be careful laying down these hard and fast rules for yourself….to absolutely not pick him up when he cries. He’s trying to tell you something. What if something’s not right…he’s sick or hurting? I don’t know. I know this is in extreme examples, but babies stop crying when they know no one is going to respond. Maybe I’m particularly sensitive to this as an adoptive parent, but I would NEVER let my babies cry (that certain cry) without responding. It would traumatize them further. They need to learn that I WILL respond to them. That their needs WILL be met. They will no longer be left to cry without a response. I think, too, it’s for me a belief that until they are older (at least older than a year, but maybe not even until they are as old as 18-24 months), they don’t have any sense of wants or the ability to manipulate. When they cry it is because there is a need. I think a middle ground can be a good choice. Having some structure and goals to create peace and less neediness to make sure the rest of you are well, while making sure you aren’t so strict as too lose sensitivity to baby’s needs. Maybe if I’d tried the Babywise approach, I’d have a better understanding of the peace and order it can create. I do hope it works well for you and you can get back to feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Ok, I said more than I meant to. My best to you, Gracie. Rhys is absolutely beautiful and your mothering is the mothering he needs.
Just make sure you are allowing for growth spurts. Sometimes increased nursing is baby’s way of trying to increase your supply during a growth spurt. Plus your milk supply is greatest during the early morning hours. Ok, one more thing.
I’ll be praying for all of you and will be interested to hear how things are going after a week or so!
i hate this debate. i’ll just say this. jesse and rhys have the exact same problem. gas 1/4 of their life at this age. it got better for jesse after about 2 months. i think the danger is that with a baby like that nursing is all that will make them stop crying, but then it seems to cause more crying later because more nursing = more gas. it’s a vicious cycle. they do outgrow it though. jesse seldom has a problem at this point.
Well, I only get to breast feed for one more month(I was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and will be starting a new drug regimen) so I am ok with her demand feeding…but to be honest…if I didn’t see an end in the near future I might have already quit by now. I understand your frustration with feeling like a human pacifier. When Brian comes to me an hour after her last feeding and says, “Honey, I think she’s hungry.” I sometimes want to cry…it feels like she is latched on to me all day long. I have days where I feel like I should just plant myself in my chair with the Boppy wrapped around me. I have visions of a dairy farm…the cows all lined up with milk machines attached to them…lol. I honestly think it will be easier for me to get her on a good feeding schedule on formula. With breastfeeding I always have a guilty feeling that I am not giving her enough…so I guilt myself into feeding her when she wants. But I also am a SAHM that doesn’t have to worry about a schedule. I also have to note…this isn’t an every day occurrence. She has about one day a week(avg.) that she cluster feeds…also, she sleeps through the night without any feedings…so I guess to keep things in perspective…she gives us the whole night so I try not to complain too much about her having 1 or 2 days a week of catch up.
Grace, you obviously did a wonderful job with Ransom and I know you will do a wonderful job with Rhys. You may not be able to use the same technique this time around as every baby is unique, but YOU know what is best for your baby.
Rachel, I think the mixture is a really good idea. (Dave says so too & also wants me to add that he misses hanging out with you & your family & would like to schedule something soon).
Again, it’s the disposition of the care-takers that really matters. I should say that with Ransom we didn’t always follow the rules… the leniency allowed us to keep going with the basic babywise principles.
Oh, Emily I love you! Thank you so much for your gracious response though I know you see things so differently!
As Dave & I read your comment we both really agree with you about the crying thing. With Ransom (& now with Rhys too) we are able to differentiate their differing cries (pain vs. hungry vs. bored etc.). And we do respond appropriately & feel totally comfortable going in to rescue.
I should also say that after two nap sessions we changed our tune! Instead of letting Rhys cry for 15 min. at a time we reduced it to 4! I just couldn’t take it. And such it was such a shock to his system, I actually did pick him up. And then being an even further woos I also gave him his pacifier back! See, I’m not as hard as I come off.
Lisa, you are so right! The more food the more gas! Last night was a good testimony to that, I’ll update that in a minute.
Erin, I’m so sorry about the way the arthritis is affecting your ability to nurse! Even though I complain, I still love doing it & can probably surmise you feel the same way. Sounds like she’s doing great though –good job! Dave & I had a good laugh about your image of cows lined up.
Thanks everybody for your prayers & concern. Last night wasn’t actually the terror I thought it would be & I’m just about to write a follow up blog to our progress.
Being a mother means you lovingly sacrifice yourself for your children. Not popular, but self-sacrifice usually isn’t.
Dear Gracee, Every child is different, but as you nurse him, they seem to make their own schedule, and that is what i did, I followed with that. They eventually gave into my schedule. It takes time, but it all works out in the end. I know, because I had some happy babies. Lots of luck and happiness. I know you will see it through. Love, Mom PS: I also played music ie: Baby Jesus songs, It works.
Grace, wish I could say more and offer some great advice, but Rhys will automatically find a way to work with you, and your schedule. Be patient, it will all work out. He is so cute, i just love him. Good luck Grace, my prayers are with you. Love. Also, I have some great pics of you and family @ Thanksgiving, and the birthday party of everyone, except me. they are all cute, especially of Jeanne and her husband, and new baby. Hope to see you soon.
Mom, I wrote this post a long time ago –don’t worry, it’s all worked out! Love you! =)