Okay fine, I made a BIG mistake.
I read an article yesterday about why celebs change their hair color so often, & I’m pretty sure I do the same. The jist: being able to control a tiny aspect of your life that is both risky, gives you a jolt of change & makes a statement.
I’ve been less risky with color because my hair is unbelievably unmoved by the whole of the hair coloring process. It’s determined to be jet black.
The first time I ever lopped all my hair off I had been dumped by the boy I thought I was going to marry. I was absolutely devastated. While I’m thankful that didn’t work out, at the time -I was 19- and I couldn’t see any other way to express my grief. It was either cut all my hair off or jump off a building.
The second time was back in December of 2005 when Dave & I lost our first baby to miscarriage. I was pregnant and full of hope and just-like-that our little pumkin was gone. It felt like an extreme occasion for an extreme behavior.
Now, well, I have just cut my hair & am basically 1 inch away from being bald. Why? I’ve been up & down with depression. No big crazy circumstance happening in my life except that my sweet hubby has been on a work trip for 9.5 days. I miss him —so, I cut my hair off. (Hope you like it honey)!
Only, now I, well, um, I sort of hate it. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t look like myself. I’m reluctant to say that I think I may have made a mistake.
Oops.
Well, it will grow back…
I was considering this morning how gross I feel. I was thinking about how often I hide behind a cute hairstyle, a smoky eye or cute fashion statements. Hiding behind fashion has been one of the easiest ways to “appear” confident, even when I feel like crap.
I was realizing how bare I feel when I don’t have those things to lean back on —something I’ve always had: cute hair, cute clothes & a rockin’ fashion sense. Now, I feel sort of naked in the world like everyone is looking at me thinking: what kind of loser wears their hair like that?
It’s so easy in our society to be so focused on our outward appearance that we forget those things are not what brings us value or gives us value.
(As an aside I’m thinking of starting a new book on these issues & may make it into a Gabbing with Grace Book Club read. If you’d be interested in that let me know! The book is called: Unsqueezed: Springing Free from Skinny Jeans, Nose Jobs, Highlights and Stilettos
I DO REALIZE that I look like a perfectly adequate woman. I’m not completely insane. But, I’m seeing it’s more important to find my confidence from within. From God, from who He tells me I am. Not from anyone whose fickle judgements hold little to no real value any old ways.
I’m learning ya’ll! I’m trying to live in that complicated tension of loving the artistic, fun creative, glorious beautiful side of hair slash fashion slash make-up with knowing none of those things make me a better person, better than anyone else or define me.
It’s a long journey for sure. One I suspect I’ll be on until I die. Until then, I’ll just be trying to love myself even with no hair. 
And now a song from The Veggie Tales: "I'm so blue-woo-hoo, blue-hoo-hoo-hooooo, I'm so blue I don't know what to do!" Yep, I feel blue. Get it? The pic is blue? I crack myself up sometimes.
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You are a DOR able!!! I’m sorry you’re feeling so blue, though.
Have you found/read Barbara Brown Taylor’s *An Altar in the World”? There is a wonderful chapter in it called ‘The Practice of Wearing Skin.’ I think you’d like it.
(((hugs))) to you.
I still think you look beautiful! I could NEVER get away with cutting off all my hair – YUCK – White bald head! (Although, it has crossed my mind with 3 babies pulling on it everyday:) lol)
When I read the first sentence of this post, all I could hear was Gob Bluth saying “I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.” Hair or no hair- you are beautiful! It is so easy for me to hide behind these things too. Thankfully, as my mama used to say “Jesus still loves you even if you’re wearing a burlap sack!”
I love where you say, “Hope you like it honey.” HAHA that cracked me up. Grace, it sounds like you’re in a good spot. You’re processing some important things. Anyway, like you said, it will grow back. Especially YOUR hair! You know how I am when it comes to your hair. Anyway, you’re beautiful no matter what. Finally, just rock BIG earrings. That always helps. Love ya
I don’t know if I wrote this in the last comment but, it doesn’t look bad at all. You have a nice shaped head for a short haircut.
I think you look fabulous! Not many people can pull off hair that short and still look gorgeous – but YOU are one of them!
Personally, even though I know that you are struggling to like it, I think it is sexy. Shows your tat. Very ethnic chic. And what you are going to LOVE is the time you save waking up washing it fingering through it with mousse or gel and keeping it moving. It is pretty much sexy practical time/money saving hot mamma hair. If I had not promised myself I would let mine grow for at least a full year I’d be baldy 2. Work it. And when you want to go alter ego pop on a wig. Side note (I know I always say outloud that ppls compliments dont matter when I am already in that I hate my body, hair looks space but the truth is it helps… so I hope it helps 4u)
Grace,
I LOVE your hair! But…you have to do what feels comfortable for you, so go ahead and grow it out. People tend to like me with longer hair, but I’ve always liked shorter hair better on myself. It’s growing out right now (I don’t have the money to get it cut), and I don’t feel like myself.
I’ll be praying for you and your depression. It’s no fun to wake up on those mornings and go, “I just woke up and I feel like going back to bed.” As the Prestique commercial says, “I feel like I have to wind myself up just to get through the day.” I’ve never heard a commercial that described depression more accurately than that one. Of course, for me, going on an anti-D dissipated a lot of those feelings. Look into it if you feel up to it.
I’m praying,
Jill
I L-O-V-E it!!!! It looks so cute on you Grace! I have contemplated cutting my hair really short for the past 2 months but don’t have the guts to do it (I think my face is too fat!!) It looks like you got in professionally cut! Your hair does grow back fast, so you won’t have to endure that long! And like someone else said, I know you can rock a wig/weave too!!!
Oh my dear friend Grace! First of all thanks for being transparent with your feelings! I know that most women have felt this way about themselves at multiple times in their lives including me. If anyone can feel you I certainly can! You know I’ve done some impulsive things when it comes to my hair as well. In 2007, at the end of the summer I was depressed over a break-up and what did I do to try to soothe the emotional distress? I went for a new look. That was when Rhianna first starting rocking that fly bob (before the current funky hairstyle she has now). Well I decided I wanted that look and without another thought my hair that was about 3″ past my shoulders turned into tresses that stopped right at my earlobe. The killer part was yes I cut it myself! At first I was like okay it doesn’t look bad- but the next day I cried! I HATED IT! I felt the same way you did. But don’t worry it will grow back. I sported a weave for like 6 mos. Now it is long again but I did learn that it is not all about physical appearance. I was still the same person but with a different look and I learned to love me even when I don’t like what I look like on the outside. And by the way I absolutely love your look! No joke the curls are banging! You better rock that style with Grace! Pun intended! lol You look good Girl!
I am late reading this post but I think your haircut is gorgeous!!! Be confident pretty lady….and did I read in the previous post prior to this one that you whacked it off all on your own? WOW….I love it!