I’ve been thinking a lot about being important. I want to be important. Do you want to be or feel important —or is it just me? I’m reading a book by Donald Miller called Searching for God Knows What. Honestly, I can’t decide if I love it or hate it or if the truths that are deeply permeating my soul are flat-out irritating me.
It’s got me thinking about how human beings race around trying to be important and valuable to other people but to what end? Isn’t our value inherent? One may think so, but judging the behaviors of the average human being I’d say no. I’d say were all running around trying to be the most important. We are all searching for God knows what. (Donald Miller’s point exactly). Agree or no?
As you know, I\’ve been really depressed on and off for like 2 months –so annoyed by this, by the way– and that has got me thinking about why I do anything at all. I.E. why do I blog, or clean my house or work or put on make-up, etc. etc. I know so many of the things I do are to prove my worth, give myself value and hope that at the end of the day the world will say, “as we have evaluated Grace Biskie, we have decided to keep her. She is officially a worthy human being.” Would finishing a book make me more important or give me any more value?
No. Not in actuality, though it may seem that way sometimes. Which is why I can so easily feel like a GIANT loser when I’m not working on it.
I was also thinking about this the other day because I read an article about how Obama is -unfortunately- spending $23 million on a \”yes\” campaign to increase the availability of abortions in Kenya. That made me sad. Particularly, because I believe each living human being –at the moment of conception– has inherent value. God-given inherent value.
And, frankly I don’t think anyone –not even the human being who houses said conceived human being–should be able to terminate someone else’s beating heart. That heart that starts beating approximately 4 weeks after conception is valuable to God.
That heart that starts beating 4 weeks after conception is valuable to me. So even if no one else deems them valuable or important, they are important to me. And, in my world view, they are important and valuable to God. Formed and created by God himself. (I’m not an anti-abortion crazy… I just think every living soul has value. Even the ones no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence).
Even though I believe all these things to be true…
Look at how important I am! I was once the featured model for a city billboard in London! Just Kidding. It's a great photoshop job though, eh? lol.
Today, I’m catching myself wanting to vie for my own worthiness. I’m hoping that your opinion of me will prove my value. I’m hoping that one day I will be cute enough or rich enough or successful enough to make you look at me and think, “now she IS important.” I’m hoping that one day I\’ll like my hair again and that will make me feel beautiful and then you will really think that I, Grace Biskie am soooo beautiful and that too will make me super duper important!
I’m also hoping that today and everyday I will know that my whole last paragraph is redonkulous.
God says I’m important and that’s all that matters.
Also, it’s fairly exhausting trying to please you people! (All 6 billion of you)!
(Um, not readers of course. I mean, the whole world) 
It’s a doggy-dog world out there, ya’ll. It’s hard not to get caught up in who you think you should be or who others think you should be. Feels a little like trying to get your head above water and grasp a breath when your in the middle of a torrential storm, in the ocean, in the dark, amidst killer sharks with your leg bleeding and your unconscious.
That’s how I feel today. Yep, it’s ugly… but I wanted to share anyways.
Penny for your thoughts on the matter…
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
wow- insert my name for yours and this blog could be on my site too. Was that really vain to say this blog is about me too? Thanks for sharing your struggles friend, I think many of us can empathize.
I am crying. I can so empathize with you. I had the worst day in a while, got kicked out of the old dental office I use to work in. My son’s “outa control”. I told him to ask the doctor’s wife for crayons and she went crazy on him. I think she might be true evil. All I can think of is revenge, and its was so hard to be the better person today and just walk away, and its even harder not to carry out revenge. And every time I here about abortion funding I die a little inside, they just put up an abortion clinic in the poor part of the town I was born in. For sure if it was there back in the seventies, I know I wouldn’t be here. Everyone has the right to life. Poor people population control through abortion sickens me.
Angie, Sorry to hear you had such a bad day!
I’ve struggled with this, too. One thing about getting old is that I realize so much of what I thought was important at your age really isn’t so important. On my “good” days I have found the freedom that comes from knowing that God’s opinion of me is the only thing I value; on the “bad” days I fall back into the same old traps. Being human is interesting, isn’t it!
Sara, I try to learn from you. You say things like that a lot. It helps to have that reminder not to sweat the small stuff… not to make the little stuff, “big” stuff. I appreciate your “old” insight… it’s always helpful & full of wisdom. Love you, Ma.
What a great resource!
Hello! I’m new here. just doing a little blog browsing which I haven’t been able to do in what seems like ages. Wow, lots of ‘hot’ topics here
) I was mostly googling ‘depression’ so that’s how I found ya. I’d love to come back to revisit and read more here at your blog. (There’s a few things I’ve found in common) Hope to see and meet you over at my blogsite sometime 
)
Blessings
Grace for what it’s worth, I thought you looked radiant with your haircut the other day…I can’t explain it fully…in a way it was like you weren’t hiding behind your hair (not that I think you do this, but you know what I mean)…like you were just letting your natural beauty shine…I was like, “wow, I wish I could pull that off” .
I struggle with importance and value too. Somedays I want to be viewed as special and unique and highly valuable and other days I dont even want to be noticed…I think that is a similar battle in the opposite direction.
I think you are pretty amazing